"This is very important -- to take leisure time. Pace is the essence. Without stopping entirely and doing nothing at all for great periods, you're gonna lose everything...just to do nothing at all, very, very important. And how many people do this in modern society? Very few. That's why they're all totally mad, frustrated, angry and hateful."
— Charles Bukowski
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Don't Walk There At Night
I have the passing of Easter to thank, and some bad news from my father's oncologist for the latest idea forming in my head.
I've been thinking of maybe trying to let inspiration get through my 'nope, i don't wanna do a damn thing right now and that's ok' filter. I live next door to an old cemetery with some very elaborate, architectural stone markers. The place is filled with monuments and ceremony, homage and humility. I know the hardest part of anything is just to start, and my drawing abilities are deplorable now (just like a muscle - you don't use it, you gonna lose it). So, when the weather cooperates, I will go with my three legged stool and cop a squat next to some 'short dead dude' (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reference there...) Actually, I'd like to take some rubbings of the stones first; my hands first need to feel the thing before they can understand how to draw it. Do other artists operate this way? Hmm. Honestly the thought of drawing terrifies me, because I've tried and failed recently....but I could do it once, so I can do it again.
I've been thinking of maybe trying to let inspiration get through my 'nope, i don't wanna do a damn thing right now and that's ok' filter. I live next door to an old cemetery with some very elaborate, architectural stone markers. The place is filled with monuments and ceremony, homage and humility. I know the hardest part of anything is just to start, and my drawing abilities are deplorable now (just like a muscle - you don't use it, you gonna lose it). So, when the weather cooperates, I will go with my three legged stool and cop a squat next to some 'short dead dude' (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reference there...) Actually, I'd like to take some rubbings of the stones first; my hands first need to feel the thing before they can understand how to draw it. Do other artists operate this way? Hmm. Honestly the thought of drawing terrifies me, because I've tried and failed recently....but I could do it once, so I can do it again.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
poet: Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Time does not bring relief..."
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Warning: Bad Writing Meets EvangelicSpeak Meets Gay. Disaster Imminent
This post is a very personal one. This month marks the one year anniversary of my split with The Meeting Place Church due to conflicting views on the issue of being gay and Christian. When I first started attending the church in 2007, it's true I didn't walk in with rainbow flag flying...well, I just wanted to be known and treated as Marsha, not as a controversial issue. As well, I was still working out my own understanding of myself, for myself. So for lots of reasons I kept my sexuality hidden (those of you who've ever been in the closet know I don't need to explain the reasons why I was in there). However, as I grew up through a devastating bout of depression, as I grew in my faith, as I grew to love myself it was clear that it was time to come out. I first approached the head pastor with whom I had a pretty strong relationship. We had one meeting in which I came out with the truth...there were lots of questions on both sides and lots of talking on both sides...and at that point communication was still flowing (albeit painfully). I went home and thought a lot, prayed a lot...and wrote a letter to the pastor. I would like to share it here, mainly because I think it has some relevant points that other people share, and hopefully this will spark conversation. I was seriously hurt and let down by the human side of Christianity...and it's ok for me to not bury it. (Please forgive the bad writing and lack of all that wonderful essay detail stuff) So, here goes:
Dear Pastor,
A couple of things concern me about our conversation last week:
1. The de-emphasis of sexuality as a core part of my identity;
2. The implied assumption that my past negative experiences with men have somehow contributed to my sexuality;
3. The assumption that I "struggle with feelings of homosexuality".
I'm not sure what your opinion is on the origin of sexuality...whether you personally think it is biological or chosen, natural or sinful.
I'm not sure what your opinion is on me bringing my future girlfriend to church either...if I would still be welcome as an openly lesbian person. I know you think there is a danger of me depersonalizing this issue and blowing it up as a 'me-against-them' attitude by asking these questions of the church, but I hope you understand why I'm asking the broad questions as well as the specific ones. I'm hoping that my church will stand beside me and support me as a whole, as I go through this process of learning to love myself as Christ does. That's the thing...I believe my sexuality is natural and biological and therefore, given to me by God. If He knows every hair on my head and knew me as I was knit together in my mother's womb, then He surely knew I would grow up gay. He knew that in puberty my sexual feelings were awakened for both sexes and strongly for females. I do not believe my Father created me wrongly...I don't struggle with feelings of homosexuality. I struggle with the church's lack of acceptance of my choice of whom to love.
I have been thinking and praying about his for many weeks now. One thing that God has impressed upon my heart is the assurance that firstly, I am His beautiful daughter and that He loves me just the way I am. He has given me the gift of faith in the last few weeks, the rock hard certainty of His existence and His acceptance. When speaking with a friend awhile ago about this gift of rest she warned me that since God had taken the worry from me, be careful not to take the worry back. Also, a book called "Taking a Chance on God: Liberating Theology for Gays and Lesbians" by John McNeill has helped articulate and clarify my thoughts. In his book, McNeill points out that gay people struggle with an impossible dilemma "...to believe in God necessarily seemed to involve hating their own gayness and accepting their gayness seemed to involve rejecting their faith in God" and later saying that only a sadistic God would create millions of of people a different way and expect them to deny their sexuality and lead loveless celibate lives, or repress and think an integral part of themselves so wrong and ugly that they could slide into such internal conflict that they become deeply troubled, unhappy and even suicidal.
I've spent a lot of my life troubled and unhappy. The past few weeks I have been feeling pretty good, I've had moments and minutes of passionate happiness that I recognize as a gift from God, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. The thought of having to leave The Meeting Place in order to protect my mental health seems ludicrous because the people there have been so loving and supportive...except about this. The trauma I've suffered at the hands of men hasn't made me hate men, hasn't made me switch my sexual preference to women because I feel ill when a man comes near me. It has made me hate betrayal. It has made me hate conditional love.
I came out to a congregational member on the weekend and it didn't go very well. It wasn't a heated argument, but we obviously disagreed. I expressed that I didn't want people praying for me to change my sexuality; it feels like a slap in the face, like praying for my black skin to turn white. Pray for God's will to be done in my life, absolutely. But she prayed out loud that I would just meet the right man and fall in love and have more babies so God would heap blessings on our joyous, righteous life. That hurt me so deeply I can't even tell you...I don't fit into that mold. I don't want more babies and I want to fall in love with a beautiful woman who wears her hair back and damn near swaggers with confidence and self love. Dos that put me outside my Father's love? Will He only love me and bless me if I fit into that cookie cutter nuclear family shape? If so, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. But that's the thing...He has assured me that I am not outside His love and I am not outside His blessing. I am sure of our relationship growing in love and I know He knows what's in my heart. It's the human church that is getting it so wrong.
So it would seem we are at an impasse. My mental health cannot withstand teaching that is hurtful and hopeless, and that is what I feel is happening. If i am counselled to repress my sexuality and pray for a change in my orientation, or if I am counseled to lead a celibate life on this earth, I don't feel God is in that and I will have to leave The Meeting Place.
Dear Pastor,
A couple of things concern me about our conversation last week:
1. The de-emphasis of sexuality as a core part of my identity;
2. The implied assumption that my past negative experiences with men have somehow contributed to my sexuality;
3. The assumption that I "struggle with feelings of homosexuality".
I'm not sure what your opinion is on the origin of sexuality...whether you personally think it is biological or chosen, natural or sinful.
I'm not sure what your opinion is on me bringing my future girlfriend to church either...if I would still be welcome as an openly lesbian person. I know you think there is a danger of me depersonalizing this issue and blowing it up as a 'me-against-them' attitude by asking these questions of the church, but I hope you understand why I'm asking the broad questions as well as the specific ones. I'm hoping that my church will stand beside me and support me as a whole, as I go through this process of learning to love myself as Christ does. That's the thing...I believe my sexuality is natural and biological and therefore, given to me by God. If He knows every hair on my head and knew me as I was knit together in my mother's womb, then He surely knew I would grow up gay. He knew that in puberty my sexual feelings were awakened for both sexes and strongly for females. I do not believe my Father created me wrongly...I don't struggle with feelings of homosexuality. I struggle with the church's lack of acceptance of my choice of whom to love.
I have been thinking and praying about his for many weeks now. One thing that God has impressed upon my heart is the assurance that firstly, I am His beautiful daughter and that He loves me just the way I am. He has given me the gift of faith in the last few weeks, the rock hard certainty of His existence and His acceptance. When speaking with a friend awhile ago about this gift of rest she warned me that since God had taken the worry from me, be careful not to take the worry back. Also, a book called "Taking a Chance on God: Liberating Theology for Gays and Lesbians" by John McNeill has helped articulate and clarify my thoughts. In his book, McNeill points out that gay people struggle with an impossible dilemma "...to believe in God necessarily seemed to involve hating their own gayness and accepting their gayness seemed to involve rejecting their faith in God" and later saying that only a sadistic God would create millions of of people a different way and expect them to deny their sexuality and lead loveless celibate lives, or repress and think an integral part of themselves so wrong and ugly that they could slide into such internal conflict that they become deeply troubled, unhappy and even suicidal.
I've spent a lot of my life troubled and unhappy. The past few weeks I have been feeling pretty good, I've had moments and minutes of passionate happiness that I recognize as a gift from God, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. The thought of having to leave The Meeting Place in order to protect my mental health seems ludicrous because the people there have been so loving and supportive...except about this. The trauma I've suffered at the hands of men hasn't made me hate men, hasn't made me switch my sexual preference to women because I feel ill when a man comes near me. It has made me hate betrayal. It has made me hate conditional love.
I came out to a congregational member on the weekend and it didn't go very well. It wasn't a heated argument, but we obviously disagreed. I expressed that I didn't want people praying for me to change my sexuality; it feels like a slap in the face, like praying for my black skin to turn white. Pray for God's will to be done in my life, absolutely. But she prayed out loud that I would just meet the right man and fall in love and have more babies so God would heap blessings on our joyous, righteous life. That hurt me so deeply I can't even tell you...I don't fit into that mold. I don't want more babies and I want to fall in love with a beautiful woman who wears her hair back and damn near swaggers with confidence and self love. Dos that put me outside my Father's love? Will He only love me and bless me if I fit into that cookie cutter nuclear family shape? If so, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. But that's the thing...He has assured me that I am not outside His love and I am not outside His blessing. I am sure of our relationship growing in love and I know He knows what's in my heart. It's the human church that is getting it so wrong.
So it would seem we are at an impasse. My mental health cannot withstand teaching that is hurtful and hopeless, and that is what I feel is happening. If i am counselled to repress my sexuality and pray for a change in my orientation, or if I am counseled to lead a celibate life on this earth, I don't feel God is in that and I will have to leave The Meeting Place.
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