How do I get tough? How do I grow a thick skin? How do I harness that fine edge of cynicism and doubt to do my job better? Do I have to?
Sometimes this job weighs on me. I find myself burdened by empathy rather than empowered by it...I feel so closely the pain and need that comes through our doors every day - the struggling single mothers, the wandering homeless, the lonely elderly. I want to help them all, help them completely, solve their problems. I understand I cannot, nor am I expected to, be the fixer of the situation - that is God's domain. I am a small part in a big story. It's just very hard to remember that when she's looking at you with tears in her eyes, begging for money for diapers and milk...When he's got multiple disabilities and is frustrated with not being able to work and having to beg for food money...When she has no family left and has nothing left to do with the days. Several days ago I helped a couple who said they were trying to find work but had no transportation or decent clothes...I gave them all the bus tickets I had, called around the city trying to find a store that would donate them clothes, and gave them a drive to the store. Later I found out their story was not reliable. I felt foolish and confused, embarrassed and a little angry, but my sympathy still was there. Was I taken for a ride? I don't honestly know. I lack the experience and the hardness to size up the situation and make a judgment not based on emotion.
Sometimes this job weighs on me.
Hired to clean the toilets? Sure. What do I really do at St. Paul's? Whatever God asks me to. He asks me to serve Him every day, see Him in the people that come here, honour Him through them. He doesn't ask me to save the world, or even save a life directly. He'd never do that, I can trust Him on that one. He asks me to love, to keep on loving even through my struggles...to serve His purpose by listening and being kind, and doing what I can at the right time. What I need is help discerning this 'what I can' and 'at the right time' business.
