Warning: Bad Writing Meets EvangelicSpeak Meets Gay. Disaster Imminent

This post is a very personal one. This month marks the one year anniversary of my split with The Meeting Place Church due to conflicting views on the issue of being gay and Christian. When I first started attending the church in 2007, it's true I didn't walk in with rainbow flag flying...well, I just wanted to be known and treated as Marsha, not as a controversial issue. As well, I was still working out my own understanding of myself, for myself. So for lots of reasons I kept my sexuality hidden (those of you who've ever been in the closet know I don't need to explain the reasons why I was in there). However, as I grew up through a devastating bout of depression, as I grew in my faith, as I grew to love myself it was clear that it was time to come out. I first approached the head pastor with whom I had a pretty strong relationship. We had one meeting in which I came out with the truth...there were lots of questions on both sides and lots of talking on both sides...and at that point communication was still flowing (albeit painfully). I went home and thought a lot, prayed a lot...and wrote a letter to the pastor. I would like to share it here, mainly because I think it has some relevant points that other people share, and hopefully this will spark conversation. I was seriously hurt and let down by the human side of Christianity...and it's ok for me to not bury it. (Please forgive the bad writing and lack of all that wonderful essay detail stuff) So, here goes:

Dear Pastor,
A couple of things concern me about our conversation last week:
1. The de-emphasis of sexuality as a core part of my identity;
2. The implied assumption that my past negative experiences with men have somehow contributed to my sexuality;
3. The assumption that I "struggle with feelings of homosexuality".

I'm not sure what your opinion is on the origin of sexuality...whether you personally think it is biological or chosen, natural or sinful.
I'm not sure what your opinion is on me bringing my future girlfriend to church either...if I would still be welcome as an openly lesbian person. I know you think there is a danger of me depersonalizing this issue and blowing it up as a 'me-against-them' attitude by asking these questions of the church, but I hope you understand why I'm asking the broad questions as well as the specific ones. I'm hoping that my church will stand beside me and support me as a whole, as I go through this process of learning to love myself as Christ does. That's the thing...I believe my sexuality is natural and biological and therefore, given to me by God. If He knows every hair on my head and knew me as I was knit together in my mother's womb, then He surely knew I would grow up gay. He knew that in puberty my sexual feelings were awakened for both sexes and strongly for females. I do not believe my Father created me wrongly...I don't struggle with feelings of homosexuality. I struggle with the church's lack of acceptance of my choice of whom to love.

I have been thinking and praying about his for many weeks now. One thing that God has impressed upon my heart is the assurance that firstly, I am His beautiful daughter and that He loves me just the way I am. He has given me the gift of faith in the last few weeks, the rock hard certainty of His existence and His acceptance. When speaking with a friend awhile ago about this gift of rest she warned me that since God had taken the worry from me, be careful not to take the worry back. Also, a book called "Taking a Chance on God: Liberating Theology for Gays and Lesbians" by John McNeill has helped articulate and clarify my thoughts. In his book, McNeill points out that gay people struggle with an impossible dilemma "...to believe in God necessarily seemed to involve hating their own gayness and accepting their gayness seemed to involve rejecting their faith in God" and later saying that only a sadistic God would create millions of of people a different way and expect them to deny their sexuality and lead loveless celibate lives, or repress and think an integral part of themselves so wrong and ugly that they could slide into such internal conflict that they become deeply troubled, unhappy and even suicidal.

I've spent a lot of my life troubled and unhappy. The past few weeks I have been feeling pretty good, I've had moments and minutes of passionate happiness that I recognize as a gift from God, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. The thought of having to leave The Meeting Place in order to protect my mental health seems ludicrous because the people there have been so loving and supportive...except about this. The trauma I've suffered at the hands of men hasn't made me hate men, hasn't made me switch my sexual preference to women because I feel ill when a man comes near me. It has made me hate betrayal. It has made me hate conditional love.

I came out to a congregational member on the weekend and it didn't go very well. It wasn't a heated argument, but we obviously disagreed. I expressed that I didn't want people praying for me to change my sexuality; it feels like a slap in the face, like praying for my black skin to turn white. Pray for God's will to be done in my life, absolutely. But she prayed out loud that I would just meet the right man and fall in love and have more babies so God would heap blessings on our joyous, righteous life. That hurt me so deeply I can't even tell you...I don't fit into that mold. I don't want more babies and I want to fall in love with a beautiful woman who wears her hair back and damn near swaggers with confidence and self love. Dos that put me outside my Father's love? Will He only love me and bless me if I fit into that cookie cutter nuclear family shape? If so, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. But that's the thing...He has assured me that I am not outside His love and I am not outside His blessing. I am sure of our relationship growing in love and I know He knows what's in my heart. It's the human church that is getting it so wrong.
So it would seem we are at an impasse. My mental health cannot withstand teaching that is hurtful and hopeless, and that is what I feel is happening. If i am counselled to repress my sexuality and pray for a change in my orientation, or if I am counseled to lead a celibate life on this earth, I don't feel God is in that and I will have to leave The Meeting Place.

Tough Broad

How do I get tough? How do I grow a thick skin? How do I harness that fine edge of cynicism and doubt to do my job better? Do I have to?

Sometimes this job weighs on me. I find myself burdened by empathy rather than empowered by it...I feel so closely the pain and need that comes through our doors every day - the struggling single mothers, the wandering homeless, the lonely elderly. I want to help them all, help them completely, solve their problems. I understand I cannot, nor am I expected to, be the fixer of the situation - that is God's domain. I am a small part in a big story. It's just very hard to remember that when she's looking at you with tears in her eyes, begging for money for diapers and milk...When he's got multiple disabilities and is frustrated with not being able to work and having to beg for food money...When she has no family left and has nothing left to do with the days. Several days ago I helped a couple who said they were trying to find work but had no transportation or decent clothes...I gave them all the bus tickets I had, called around the city trying to find a store that would donate them clothes, and gave them a drive to the store. Later I found out their story was not reliable. I felt foolish and confused, embarrassed and a little angry, but my sympathy still was there. Was I taken for a ride? I don't honestly know. I lack the experience and the hardness to size up the situation and make a judgment not based on emotion.

Sometimes this job weighs on me.

Hired to clean the toilets? Sure. What do I really do at St. Paul's? Whatever God asks me to. He asks me to serve Him every day, see Him in the people that come here, honour Him through them. He doesn't ask me to save the world, or even save a life directly. He'd never do that, I can trust Him on that one. He asks me to love, to keep on loving even through my struggles...to serve His purpose by listening and being kind, and doing what I can at the right time. What I need is help discerning this 'what I can' and 'at the right time' business.

5 Lessons on How to Treat People - Author Unknown

1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."


5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

The Great Divorce

C.S. Lewis is the writer who has influenced my thinking the most. His humbleness, his imagination and his understanding of the Divine resonate with me profoundly. The questions that arise from reading his texts further my journey with God - contemplation of Hell, Heaven and human desire are brought into focus when I read his work. In reading The Great Divorce I see myself in each of the Ghosts and Lewis' vision of Hell is chilling...